Is Resentment on the Menu?...I'll Take it!

What's wrong with resentment? I mean, really? Okay, I am totally joking, but seriously, it could be due to the pregnancy hormones raging in my body and brain these days, or it could just be a fact that resentment is rearing its ugly head in my life. I thought I was over these things, worked through them, gotten past them, but I had a conversation with Matt that helped me realize I still have the same issues!

One of my deepest desires is to be taken care of and to be loved. I always struggled as a child with feeling loved but really never struggled with not having tangible things that I needed or even wanted. To make a way too long, private, story short, almost immediately when I moved out of the house when I was 19, I began to realize my Dad did love me, he just showed it in a way I never understood before; through providing for me and "taking care" of me. And then, it became even more evident when I got married. Growing up, everything was always taken care of. Anything broken, got fixed and I pretty much did not have to lift a finger. By the time I got married, I was a responsible person, but just did not have a ton of responsibilities. I just thought that now it would be my husband's job to "take care of me". Through a series of events in our first 3-4 years of our marriage: leaving a church that gave Matt a paycheck to help start a new church with no pay, me having to work part time and finish my credential, then the pressure of being the bread winner working full time as a teacher, Matt working a bank teller job and finishing seminary, leaving a church that we had been at for several years, and then church planting our own church; I learned the hard way that it was my responsibility to take care of myself and I could not expect Matt to meet all of my needs or wants. Oh, did I mention RESENTMENT? It's hard to admit, but during those first couple of years, I built up so much resentment toward Matt since I expected him to take care of me! So, I learned this a long time ago, lived it, but yet just this week, realized, I am now resentful of the fact that it is my job to take care of ME! So, I guess just like a good old-fashioned temper tantrum, I am being a baby because I don't get my way. I want to be taken care of and I want everything to just be taken care of and dealt with. I don't want to have to take care of myself!!! Ouch! (How sad is that?)

The other revelation I had from the same conversation was that I don't know how to receive love! Always thought I did, since I thought I was capable of loving, but the reality is, I really don't know how to receive love. So here I am, blessed to have an amazing husband who is loving, tender, and caring, yet I don't really accept it. How crazy is that? Ouch again!

Does it sometimes seem like issues in your life seem to be circular? Why is it that they just don't go away???